Dear Sir/Madam,

Thank you for visiting my home today as arranged by phone to discuss the possibility of a new porch.  The man who came was very polite but there was an issue I’d like you to be aware of.
When you called us yesterday this was the conversation:

Alpine: Hello Mr Bromley, we were just wondering if you were still looking at replacing your porch?
Me: Er yes we are but you have been out before and you told us you didn’t do what we wanted.  We want a brick built porch but you told us you only do Upvc ones?
Alpine: Oh no that’s not true.  We do that.
Me: You do brick built porches?
Alpine: Yes we do. Shall we come and see you tomorrow to give you a quote?
Me: Erm ok then.

Next day bang on time the guy turns up. 

Alpine: Good morning Mr Bromley.  I understand you’d like a quote for a porch?
Me: Yes please.  We’d like a brick built one and….
Alpine: We only do Upvc ones! Didn’t you tell them on the phone?
Me: Yes. Yes I did several times.  Are you joking?
Alpine: No we only do Upvc. But it’s ok.  I’ll give you a quote for one and then. ..
Me: We don’t want Upvc.
Alpine: Yes but if i give you a quote then you can have a think about it.
Me: But I don’t need to think about it.  I don’t want a Upvc porch.
Alpine: I’m sure we can come up with a good deal for you.
Me: What?  For a brick built porch?
Alpine: No.  I already told you we don’t do brick.
Me: Yes and I already told you I don’t want Upvc.
Alpine: Ok Mr Bromley.  Is there anything else i can do for you while I’m here?
Me: Can you do a brick porch.
Alpine: No
Me: Then no thank you.
Alpine: Bye

There are many obvious issues with this. It wasted my time and your time on coming out to quote for something we didn’t want.  It’s like me going to the barber and asking for a trim and the Barber saying “I can give you hair extensions”. It’s pointless.  A waste of energy. Now I know for a fact your company will call us again in 3 months asking if we want a quote. In advance, no we don’t.  The next salesman who comes to my door offering a Upvc porch may get ” WE WANT A BRICK PORCH” tattooed on their forehead.
Now while I’m writing this letter I have just had a phone call from you asking for my feedback on the visit.  I politely highlighted the points above and the response I got? “What if we can lower the quote,  would you be interested then?”
NOOOOOOOO.  We didn’t even get a quote.  I’m starting to suspect your company is run by a group of monkeys from inside Colchester Zoo.
Unfortunately the conversation soon took a more sour twist and I’d like to apologise for calling you a bunch of clowns with the IQ of a squashed slug. However,  my frustration was down to your incompetence and I hope this letter helps to encourage you not to bother me again with your drivel.

Kind Regards

James Bromley